A letter from Deadspin's Open Mailbag

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A letter from Deadspin's Open Mailbag

Post  Scrubly on Wed Oct 19, 2011 9:39 am

Letter:
Let's say you're standing in the middle of an open field with no weapons besides your bare hands and intellect, and were for some reason required to fight and kill 250 pounds of bee. That 250 pounds can be distributed evenly through any number of bees, but the bees can't be smaller than regular honeybees. So, one 250-pound bee, five 50-pound bees, 520,000 regular-sized bees (I checked), or anything in between. Also, regardless of the size, the bee(s) fly as fast as regular bees, but the big ones are a lot slower at accelerating and changing direction. How many bees?

Also, on a related note, can you strangle a bee?

Response
In order to strangle a bee, the bee must have a neck. And so I Googled "Do bees have necks?" and got this: "No. They're heads are just stuck on their bodies." The fact that the answer comes from Wikianswers AND contains a grammatical error lets you know it's a FACT. Bees do not have necks, which means you can't strangle them, which means you can't jump on the back of a 250-pound bee and choke the life out of it, which is a damn shame.

Anyway, there's no good answer to your question. The 250 pounds of bee is going to MURDER you, regardless of distribution. Without weapons, you stand no chance against a 520,000-bee swarm. And facing down a 250-pound bee is no better, because while it's presumably "easier" to kill one very large bee instead of 520,000 small ones, it's still impossible because you'd be face to face with a GIANT FUCKING NIGHTMARE BEE THAT CAN FUCKING FLY AND RUIN YOUR SHIT. I have constant nightmares about facing down giant insects and arachnids. I know that's what awaits me down in Hell. If I were forced to square off against a real giant bee, I'd be done. I'd be so terrified, I wouldn't be able to move. Then the bee would lance me through the heart with its giant stinger, carry me to its queen, and then embed me in a waxy honeycomb tomb forever and ever. Mmmm... honey tomb.LEEtt[b]

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